Pastor Increases Conversions Using Click Bait Strategy [Satire]

Clickbait Church

LOS ANGELES, CA – Pastor Magnus Charms, of Relevant Encounter, has seen an 181% increase in decisions for Jesus during his altar calls by using click bait strategy. A long-time proponent of relevance, Pastor Charms said, “The church needs to speak the language of the people, and you’ll be astounded the way lives are being changed.”

At his most recent altar call, he told the congregation, “If you accept Jesus as Lord, you will learn seven reasons why Jesus loves you, and number 4 is mind-blowing.”

He has also found that it is hard for people to resist a red circle. In a recent sermon titled, “What Happens Next Will Shock You.” He told his congregation that if they came to Jesus, their life would have a red circle around it, and the only way they could find out what would happen next is if they came forward.

Pastor Charms is not without his critics. Pastor Levi Habakkuk, of Ecclesia Church, warned, “It is true that many are coming forward, but conversions tend to last for about 10 seconds.” He went on to say, “Some congregants never made it down the aisle before they were distracted by a protester holding a sign reading, ‘If you recognize these five things, you grew up in the 80’s’”

When told of this, Pastor Charms, replied, “I know something else Pastor Habakkuk said that will leave you furious. Come forward on Sunday and I will tell you.”

In the end, he left us with this, “Regardless of what you think of my altar call tactics, you must hear our praise band’s acapella rendition of Mary Did You Know. What they do half-way through will leave you breathless.”

D. Eaton

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This post is was inspired by the launch of a new Christian satire site called The Babylon Bee. If you like this kind of thing, be sure to give them a visit.